Authoress Update

I’m attending undergrad art classes a 2 hr commute from home 3 days a week & living on my own again. Studying ceramics, drawing & design as I prepare my grad school application portfolio. I earned a merit Scholarship to pay for tuition this term thanks to my good grades! I intend to begin writing more blog posts again soon too. I’ll also begin posting pictures of 3D artworks I’ve been working on. At least 1 of the installations I intend to create this term will be classified as “Eco-Art” and hopefully will be integrated into an Oregonian forest trail.

I still struggle with searching for hope and finding frustration.

Yet taking steps towards the impossible goal somehow is as necessary as breathing to me. I may never reach my goal of becoming an Expressive Arts Therapy Advocate, traveling around the world speaking publicly about its benefits. I may never get a Ph.D. or publish books on the subject. I may not practice as an Art Therapist or even get my Master’s in Art Therapy. I might not even get accepted to Graduate school & I sure as heck don’t know how to pay for any of it…

However…

I WILL keep taking whatever steps towards those goals I’m capable of -no matter how many obstacles the world keeps throwing at me!

 

Recent Events

I am not quite sure when I stopped sleeping a “normal” amount of time. I only know it had been a long time since I had been able to rest for more than 90 minutes every 2nd or 3rd night. I remembered to eat on the days I went to work. When I resigned so I wouldn’t embarrass the school or myself I stopped bothering with food all together unless someone else prompted me. Hunger was a foreign concept which didn’t occur to me. I remember some of the triggers which increased my paranoia. They seemed to snowball into an avalanche rather quickly. I had so many different theories which held together perfectly for me at the time. I miss some of the delusions as reality is a harsh cruel crushing difference from the endless possibilities I saw then. I do believe I am slightly psychic; just lousy at interpreting the signs. I sensed I would not be returning to my apartment. I thought I would go into witness protection & either be able to stay incognito under a new name nearby or be listed as dead & travel with a body guard or solo with complex check in system. I sensed I would lose those I cared for most, just didn’t realize that would include all 3 of my cats. I thought I was finally going to receive the kind of care I was denied as a child. Never did I have an inkling that would mean foster care with strangers. Self Esteem has never been something I had an abundance of and now I find myself deprived of it completely. I couldn’t have possibly dreamed the costs to my soul. My dreams of helping others by becoming an expressive arts therapist; of traveling the world giving interviews & speeches on the best way to revolutionize the systems for dealing with psychiatric health issues & care all died. I have no hope for a future that is not one of misery. I continue to live solely to prevent worse pain for those who still care for the idea of my existence. I suffer because I know not what else exists. Every time I have fought my hardest for what I believed in everything I built has been ripped to shreds & I do not believe in possibilities any longer. I crave & often seek comfort but only in little things now as asking for what I need results in cruel mocking from fate instead. Time passes still but has no meaning beyond the calendar & clock. Ticking its way through a line that seems determined to cross out any positive meaning my life might have held. Barriers to becoming someone who can help children or adults who have shared in suffering of the same nature as my childhood inflicted on me leap to heights beyond my ability to climb despite the solemn vow I pledged to myself at age 8. I keep seeking to take baby steps towards a goal I no longer believe attainable & even those tiny goals are withheld from my grasping reach. Is there a point? Why do I keep wanting there to be one?

hOpe@HoME

Thanks 4 All the LoVe duRING my much needed inTerVeNTion. I’m ​finaL? @ hoME in my OwN SkIN. Also: Back frOm a temporarily interupted hospital stay -while Dr’s assisted in helping find soME bAL@Nce. ManiA reduced to a MAn@geABLE LeVeL. I WILL B tAking CAre of M?SeLF 1sT 4 a While… With heLp From gRE@ TeAMmaTeZ!!! Thanks for believing in me when I had forgotten how to…

Re-blogged because I believe it too

Threes Difficulties arrive in waves, lending weight to the theory of threes, the plunging fund, a failed engagement, the self’s doubt, all combined to inflict the particular misery of the ongoing, the continued, inelegant fate that declares us human. Look, she says, the hummingbird flits from leaf to flower, its wings beating 58 times a […]

via Threes — O at the Edges

Personal Update:

I just got home from a short stay in an emergency critical care psych ward yesterday. I might need to go into a group home temporarily if I can’t hack the intensive outpatient program I’m being referred to next week.

Thanks to everyone who has influenced my healing journey & taught me valuable lessons…

I’m still struggling with mania at the moment…

Fantasy & Reality are blurring into

a strange blend in my mind.

Either I’m more psychic than I realized

or

crazier than I wanted to admit

or

perhaps:

I just might be a High functioning Autistic Savant in:

the Arena of:

Creative Healing through Expressive Arts therapy. ..

Regardless of the diagnosis:

I can still win by losing…

mY Gr1p